Backseat Positivity
"Able to make serious topics lighthearted and fun - I even laughed at some points!"
Get your bi-weekly dose of positivity in this fun podcast with Dr Dawn Barlow, who helps you navigate all of the weird/best/worst parts of life!
Dawn takes you on the self-improvement journey you didn't realise you needed... Bought to you by a doctor who hasn't had life as sweet as many of her comrades. She knows firsthand just how rubbish life can be, yet has managed to turn her life around for the better!
From relationships to mental health to happiness, make sure you buckle up twice a week (Mondays and Thursdays) the join her and her guests for candid self-improvement. Don't forget of the course, the "weird thoughts" segment, where Dawn and her guests share weird thoughts from their lives.
Dawn says:
Sometimes life reminds me of being in a washing machine. It's a bit spinny and turbulent for a while, but then it stops and gives you a little break before spinning you into oblivion once more. It feels like the washing machine wants to wash something bad out of all of us... positivity.
Some might EVEN say that positivity is shouting from the backseat and no-one wants to listen to it... [backseat positivity] More than once a week, but less than 4 times a week, you can shove me in your auditory canals and listen to me chat about L.I.F.E., self-improvement, mental health and anything else that my little monkey-mind paws can grasp onto.
Sometimes other humans actually dare to join me.
It's candid, it's fun. Woo!
Backseat Positivity
Unraveling the Impact of Unwanted Attention on Self-Image
Have you ever been on the receiving end of an advance that made you feel anything but flattered? Join us as I open up about an encounter with a drunk gym-goer named James, whose misguided compliments led to an unexpected journey of self-reflection. Underneath the praise lay a tangle of emotions and a paradoxical sense of feeling less worthy. As we navigate through this personal story, we dissect the confounding aftermath of being objectified, the struggle with our self-perception on off-days, and how such experiences can sometimes deepen our insecurities.
Confronting unwanted attention is never easy, especially when it crosses the lines of propriety—imagine fending off a married man, inebriated, and making inappropriate comments about his family... and his dog. This episode peels back the layers of discomfort from my awkward gym encounter and the challenges faced in firmly rejecting unsolicited advances. We'll also discuss the internal conflict that surfaces when our value seems undermined by unsettling interactions, and I'll offer a candid take on the crucial role of boundaries and self-affirmation in reclaiming our self-worth.
As we wrap up, our conversation shifts towards the empowering practice of self-care and the importance of looking inward for validation. I'll share strategies for setting personal boundaries, the revolutionary aspect of embracing one’s uniqueness against societal norms, and how mindfulness can support personal growth. It’s about navigating the chaos of spaces like the gym with grace and fostering inner peace amidst external turmoil. So tune in for an honest discussion on the transformative effects of recognizing and releasing negative emotions, and join me in acknowledging the profound significance of nurturing your self-worth from within.
Please consider helping me out, I'd seriously super appreciate it! <3
https://www.patreon.com/diariesofadoctor
So picture it the other day I was at the gym. I had just this is my new gym, by the way and I'd basically left. I'd like finished working out. I think I'd washed my hair. I'd even dried it, had I? Yes, I think so. Yeah, I'd washed it and dried it, and that's an unusual situation for me. Usually I just wash it and pretty much leave it to do its own thing, so dry on its own, and I'm sat in the bar area of where I like I'm waiting for Tom to come and pick me up.
Speaker 1:My boyfriend, I've got my iPad out. I'm doing some work, right? Yes, it is Thursday at 10pm, but that I work all hours of the day. So I'm there doing work and all is fine. I'm actually kind of intermittently watching the darts on the TV and kind of enjoying it, and then I see this drunk man talking to this other I don't know if he was drunk, but other man, but on the side of me. I ignore them, I'm doing some more work.
Speaker 1:Later on, this guy, the drunk man I'm going to call him James because his name is James the drunk man, james comes over to me and starts talking to me. Now, for some people, this may flatter them and make you feel really good and happy, and like. He called me fit and stuff. I tell you what this episode is about those days where you feel ugly AF because he had completely the opposite effect of what I what he was probably intending on, which was to make me feel good and sleep with him. I don't know, but I actually ended up well, firstly feeling slightly disgusted, and I'll tell you why but also feeling pretty like shit about myself later on and I was like, why do I feel like this? Like in theory, I should be happy, right, he's called me fit in his words quote, unquote fit and I actually left feeling more shit about myself than I thought possible. So today I'm talking about that how to get over those days where you feel ugly AF. It doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be like a man called James and comes in a costume, drunk in a bar. But look, this doesn't happen to me very often. I'm going to be honest, right? So I'm going to tell you the story. I think I'm the only female there which kind of paints a picture and basically got my gym, which has it's a hotel, but it's also got a gym, but it's also got a bar attached like a bar pub thing, and they're in the same building. But he was one of the hotel members, thankfully, so hopefully I'll never see him again, but it might happen, and basically I think I'm the only female there.
Speaker 1:It's like 1030 at night, 10 to 1030. It's pretty late. And he yeah, he comes over to me. He has obviously smashed off his face because he can barely string a fucking sentence together. He basically tells he like tells me something and then forgets a few minutes later. And then I have to remind him that he's already told me that. And he also forgot my name and lots of other things. Just kept forgetting shit, right, typical drunk person.
Speaker 1:Now, what I noticed was that he I did notice that he was hitting on me. Okay, I don't think I've been hit on in a while Like that, obviously to the point where I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd been like, do you want to come up to my room? Because he was obviously hitting on me. At the start I thought, oh, maybe he's just being friendly, like, maybe he's just a talkative person, maybe he's alone, maybe he actually thought, because he actually came up to me and he was like. He was like oh, I just want to see if you hadn't wanted any company Gross. The thing is I didn't want company whatsoever. I was quite obviously doing work and typing away on my iPad and he comes and disturbs me the first time.
Speaker 1:Now there are many times that he comes and disturbs me. Okay, the first time he comes and disturbs me, I'm tapping away on my iPad and I should have had my headphones in. I think that's usually a clear signal like leave me the fuck alone. He comes over, I'm tapping on my iPad and I don't put my iPad away. I don't stop doing what I'm doing. I'm like no, no, no, james, I'm carrying on, because I was like midway through something I wanted to fucking finish it, to be quite honest and I was like you are disturbing me.
Speaker 1:And the funny thing is he actually said to me like oh, I can. He was like in a kind of jokie way, but also I was like you're kind of right. He was like oh, oh God, you probably think I'm some kind of drunk guy that's like bothering you and you're trying to work, and I was like you literally fucking hit the nail on the head there. So why didn't you then take the initiative to leave? No. So then I carry on. I'm like yeah, okay, like clearly not fucking interested, and he eventually goes. You know, I just don't really reply, I don't really engage in the conversation and he then sort of stays a little bit longer, outstays his welcome pretty much, and then he decides that he's going to leave. He goes for like 10 minutes, I don't know where, probably to accost somebody else. I'm pretty sure he goes to accost the receptionist.
Speaker 1:And then he comes back and I was like, oh Christ, and do you know what? I felt kind of bad because at this point I was like right, motherfucker ain't leaving me alone. So I was pretty much finished with my work by that point. He also made me feel bad because I was working at like 10.30 at night and I was like is that that bad? Like why are you making me feel shit about this? He was like, oh, you've clearly got a high profile job, you know, working this late at night. Like why are you working? Like kind of questioning it. And I was like, do not question the queen, don't question me, I'm the queen apparently today. So, anyway, he comes back. I'm like, fuck's sake, I put my iPad, I close it because I'm like OK, fair enough, like I am now working pretty late, it's getting closer to 11.
Speaker 1:It's maybe half past quarter to and he then decides he's going to sit down and then, just like general chit chat, starts like what do you do? And I have some. He just kept repeating like I have so much respect for you, have so much respect for you, and I was like, ok, cool, I found out he's like some kind of salesman, which doesn't surprise me, and that was quite mean. And then he starts talking about his dog. Now this is where it kind of turns a bit weird, right. I also asked him quite pointedly. I was like, oh, you married because he had a ring on. And he was like, yeah, and then he hides it. And I was like, ok, this is, this is what's going on here. If you're, I know that his daughter is called Abigail, I believe.
Speaker 1:So if your dad is called James and is from Derby and came down to Bristol the weekend just gone, 8th of March, he's maybe, you know not, not doing good things. All right, let me put it that way. I obviously didn't go anywhere, but because I was pretty by the end, I was pretty like disgusted Maybe I don't know if that's the word that's a bit harsh disgusted, ok, anyway. So then he starts telling me about his dog the dog I will not name, because then it kind of gets a bit like obvious who I'm talking about. So the dog I won't name, but he's very cute and I won't tell you what kind he is.
Speaker 1:But he gets out of his phone and I'm like, oh, is that your wife? Is that your wife? Is that your child? Because he before that he was obviously hitting on me, right, he was like you're fit, you're fit. And I was like okay, thank you for that. Don't quite know what to say. You're not, I don't know. I didn't say that, it's not that he wasn't good looking, I just really was not feeling it. Anyway, he then starts saying really fucking weird shit. Like I'm like okay, what's your wife's name? He's like I don't know, she's dead in the cellar. And I was like, okay, moving on Next, I'm like what's your dog's name? Blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:Talking about the dog, and then he comes up with these weird things that he keeps saying. I was like he forgot that he kept saying it and he would just say it again and I'd be like no, I don't need to say that, he would be like my dog's got a bigger knob than me. He just kept saying that my dog's got a bigger knob than I do. And he said it like three times and I was like you know, I'm not like an uptight person, but when you start sexualizing dogs I'm a little bit like ew, no, thank you. So I shut that down. I was like please stop talking about your dog's penis, like I really I can't handle it, like please stop. And then I'm messaging my boyfriend like please come and save me, please. I'm like capital letters Tom thinks I'm being murdered and like fucking rushes over and then storms into the hotel.
Speaker 1:And I'm like I'm not being murdered, I just wanted you to get there quickly.
Speaker 1:And it had the right effect. I was like please come and save me, help, help, help. Because, okay, maybe I was a bit over-dramatic, but I was literally like I want to get out of here so badly and also I don't quite understand how I I'm. You know I'll stand up for myself, but I really struggle to reject people and I really struggle to have a confrontation maybe not confrontation, but like I struggle to reject people and I struggle to make people feel bad and I don't know how to do it and I want to be better at saying can you leave me alone please? I don't want you to talk to me, please leave me alone, but I'm just no good at it. I need a fucking course or something, one of those e-learning courses how to reject people. Because he just wouldn't get a hint. And I think the problem was I was like completely sober and he was absolutely fucked off his face Like I bet you didn't even remember who I am for sure and you know. The fact that he kept forgetting that he was telling me about his dog's knob every five seconds, like that is an indicator of the psyche of this person. So so, yeah, right, and then Tom runs in and then helps me get out of this situation and I'm like thanks for that. I'm like, okay, bye, grab my stuff and leave.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I kind of was over the situation. I was just glad to be out of it, to be quite honest. But then I was like milling about at home and I was like why do I feel so shit? Why do I feel shit about myself? Firstly, number one I just got a haircut that day, three days ago. I got it. I know it's tied up, put a waste. But I did go to the gym again. Guys, I'm such a fucking fitness queen and I basically I went to the gym, so it's up and it's probably greasy slash work, so we're leaving it that way. And basically I mulled over it and I was like what is wrong with me? Why do I feel shit? This guy was hitting on me. That's a good thing, surely, like, isn't it good that someone finds me attractive or fit? Quote unquote.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I thought about this for a while and then I started to realize that I felt ugly and it makes no sense, does it? But I'm gonna explain. So don't worry, squeaky bum time will be over soon, right? So my first thought and I've written them down because I was like what is going on in my brain that's making me feel like an ugly bitch? What's going on? I've been hit on by a guy Like why does this? Doesn't comprehend, like what's going on. So the first thing was that I was the only female there, so I was like well, it's pretty slim pickings, okay, but anyway, you know, if there was somebody else there, he probably would have hit on them. And it kind of makes you think like well, I'm, you know, I was the only choice. For a start, he could have also just not chosen me, which could have been worse, I suppose. So maybe I'm talking myself out of this one.
Speaker 1:The next one was that he was married and I'm like am I only good enough for a cheating man? Like, why and I know I'm putting this on myself and it's pretty fucking harsh but I'm like, why will a guy who is clearly cheating, trying to cheat on his wife? I don't know if he would have done anything, but he came around the fucking table and put his arm around me and I was like so you know, he was ready to make physical contact, let's put it that way. Anyway, why am I only good enough for a cheating man? And maybe I shouldn't see it this way, but that's how I do see it. I'm like I'm not being hit on by non-married men. So what's going on here? I don't know. Maybe I am and I just don't notice it. Or maybe he's the only guy you know. He's super, super drunk, maybe. Or maybe I should put this as like why am I only good enough for a fucking fucked off his face, fuckhead? Like why am I only good enough for that? So, um, I also very much questioned his your fit situation. I was like I'm not fit.
Speaker 1:Number one I've just had a haircut. Like I said, I didn't even finish my haircut story, I just had a haircut that day and I was feeling a bit like mumsy, like a little bit like, basically, I started my haircut looks a little bit like my mum because my hair's the same color as hers and I was feeling a bit like mum, like I'm feeling a bit like a mum, and that's not a bad thing You're not unsexy if you're a mum. But I was feeling like my mum and I don't necessarily find my mum sexy. So you know, just because she's my mum, I'm digging myself whole here. Okay, let's climb back out of it. So, anyway, I was like I'm not really feeling that sexy.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking about dyeing my hair FYI to make it look less like my mum's. So maybe I shouldn't have admitted to that. But, as in, I'm thinking maybe I dye it a bit blonde like, a bit like highlighty. I don't know if I should have let that down. I just let my hair down, I'm not sure how. So that's potentially in the mix soon. Maybe I should do it before I go away.
Speaker 1:On Holly Bob's. Anyway, I was sort of sat there. Oh, firstly, it wasn't just my hair, it was the fact that I had to be fair, I had blow-dried my hair. So I was, like, you know, pretty L'Oreal, to be quite honest, because it's a rarity and I was like oof, but it was looking like a bit flat and a bit like you know, not styled. So, yeah, and you know, I could understand if a guy came over. We were on a night out, I was with my friend or something. We were on a night out and he came over and he was good looking and I'd be like, yeah, fair enough, I've got my makeup on, I'm dressed nicely. I'm actually like having a drink. I'm like, you know, not looking like a slob. I shit you not, guys.
Speaker 1:I was in a massive jumper, an oversized jumper. I was in sweatpants or jogging bottoms, whatever you want to call them. They were on my legs and I was in just like trainers and I was honestly just like sat there, like like a big, fat, fucking slob, and I was like I'm not gonna do that, I'm not gonna do that, and I was like no one can find this attractive, surely. So I was feeling like pretty self-conscious about that, like I was like I'm not fit. Surely you can't think this is fit. It's like I'm in my dressing gown now. Right, you don't think wow, what a hot piece of ass. You're like she's ready for bed, she's cute, she's comfortable. Maybe you know those were the vibes instead, and I also.
Speaker 1:When I was having my haircut, I looked really fucking tired in the mirror and I felt tired. But I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, oh my God, look at those bags. I was like gross. So I was not having the best feeling pretty day. Okay, that is the setup for the situation. That is how I felt on Thursday.
Speaker 1:Now, how do we get over those days where you feel ugly AF? Now, this is probably easier said than done. Firstly, I'd like to point out it is I think I'm a few days away from my period Mm sexy. I think that often makes me feel less. Let's be honest, I feel less sexy and I also feel more emotional. So you know, we know, it's my period due soon, because I start crying. I didn't cry, but I didn't feel great.
Speaker 1:So I'm thinking some of that might be in the mix. Take that into account, guys. You're never gonna feel great right before your period. You just you put on water, you're like feel shit, tired, haggard bags under my eyes and then random married 40 year old man comes and hits on you in a bar. So I think probably one of the first things is like you kind of just got to accept that not every day is living the vida loca, right. Not every day are you feeling great. It's, you know, potentially few and far between, but I mean, I feel like a moderate amount, like above 50% of goodness every day. And then there's the oddest day where you know, maybe like once a week, where I cry or feel like shit. So you know, maybe it's one of those days you just gotta ride it out. Ride out the wave. Tomorrow will probably be better.
Speaker 1:So I also what I notice on these days where I feel ugly is that a lot of it is my own negative self-talk in my head. I'm like you're ugly, you're fat, you've got bags under your eyes, your skin's really uneven, you're so. Oh my god, your skin's so blotchy that sweat pan cut is not flattering on you. Oh god, your jumpers got toothpaste on it like I can't believe. You're wearing a dressing gown whilst your podcasting like what fucking slob? When did you last brush your teeth, you minger and don't you need to like, do something to your eyebrows, like pluck them, or something. Your legs look like an actual forest and look all that. So you like and those stretch marks. So basically I make myself feel like shit.
Speaker 1:I don't think anybody else is necessarily doing it, at least not you know directly generally. You know obviously some people. You know people comment when you put yourself online, people do comment, like you you're fucking ugly. I've never had that one, but I have had your fat before, so you know that happens and yeah, I don't think I've had your ugly, but I'm sure it's coming and I'm ready for it. I'm ready because you know gala is writing this podcast, she's recording this podcast, so she's ready for it. Do you know what? I had a haircut and it really doesn't look like my hair's changed in length whatsoever, but he definitely cuts them off. So I'm a bit confused where his what has happened? Usually it's the other way around, where they cut off loads and you're like what has happened? He's removed my whole fucking head of hair. So yeah, basically, try and turn those voices around your own voice. Turn it around.
Speaker 1:What was really helpful for me and really cathartic is I actually I downloaded the other day, so because I've got my iPad now and I steal and I use the word steal because I basically have adopted it myself Tom's Apple Pencil I have an app called day one, I think that's what it's called. Anyway, it's a journaling app. It's pretty good, it's alright. I've got the free version, so I don't really know what the other ones like probably.
Speaker 1:You know, I'm just a bit fed up with having to pay for everything. Is that just me, or you know? Like, ooh, another subscription. Ooh, would you like this? Yes, well, you have to pay for it if you don't want ads. Yeah, oh, here we go. So, yeah, you can pay for it and you put video in it. I don't know why I'd want to do that.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I got this and if I'm feeling shit, I just journal and that makes me feel a bit better. You know, you get the, the voices out of your head and you actually see it on paper and you go, wow, that was mean, that is some mean words, those are some mean thoughts. Why would I? I would never say that to myself, you know. So it's like putting it out on paper or iPad, whatever, just getting it out of your head. Tom is being loud, as per usual. So just getting out of your head, journaling, maybe even just talking to somebody, and just being like I feel like shit today. If you have a boyfriend, even better, because he's probably willing to listen, hopefully, and especially when it's to do with James, although he didn't really like James that much, let's put it that way.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, turning your thoughts around, actually looking at them objectively and being like, wow, I'm fucking mean, and then trying to, even if you don't believe it, just trying to like think you know what, actually my skin looks pretty good, even if there's that niggling bit of doubt in your mind. If you keep saying it, it will come true in your mind, you'll. You'll eventually believe it. You're like yeah, I look really good in those sweatpants. Mmm, yeah, all my legs are looking toned today.
Speaker 1:Or maybe you don't have to like objectify yourself. I'm just thinking this. You know, stop my head. Maybe we don't have to objectify. Um, maybe I don't have to be like I'm so fucking sexy. Maybe I can just be like I'm a nice person. I'm funny, am I? I don't know. Um, I'm friendly generally.
Speaker 1:Um, anyway, what's come from this is I do need to try and learn how to tell people to fuck off. Basically, so, in a nice way, what I'm thinking is um, okay, give a little excuse. And then ask if they can go away. Right, so, I'm doing my work, I'm doing my work. Tell me if this is nice in the comments. Okay, I'm doing my work, doing my work, and they're like hi, how are you? And I'm like yeah, okay, thanks.
Speaker 1:And then it's like where's this going? Like, do you need something? Um, no, okay, uh, sorry, I'm just really busy right now. Would you mind if I could just, you know, finish off my work? Is that okay? That was really fucking aggressive and I looked at myself saying that in the little viewfinder would you mind if I just, uh, fucking finish it? Then that was way more aggressive. But would you mind if I just finish it off? It's all right, fake happy, just smile, and it looks happy. You don't have to mean it, but it looks happy and that's all that matters.
Speaker 1:I was thinking, you know, if you're really feeling like shit, would it be nice to like give yourself some self-care, right, cut your nails. I cut my nails off. I need to shave, not shave, sorry, I need to wax lots of parts of me. So that's gonna happen. That's gonna make me feel like a fucking queen again. And I did my toenails and I I just went ham in the shower. It was great, it was lovely.
Speaker 1:Do it for you, make yourself feel good, look good, and do it for you. Don't be doing it for no one else. Don't be doing it for compliments. Do it so that you look at yourself in the mirror and you go, wow, that is a hot piece of ass. I would walk up to that girl in the bath and, um, not even when I'm drunk. So, yeah, sometimes I do get like done up and I'm like, oh, I still got it, I still got it and I forget that it's there. I forget that I can do that.
Speaker 1:And I tell you what, since I've lost weight, I definitely feel like way more comfortable, like I felt really huge before and I didn't like it, not only for health reasons, but because I just I had the depression eating and not working had taken over, being unemployed had taken over and I put on a lot of weight. So there we go, um, I also think, just noting the feeling I know this is like really fucking hippy-dippy, or whatever you want to call it noting the feeling and experience, breathing and letting it go. That was quite nice, wasn't it? Breathing, noting the experience and letting it go, just letting it go off into the distance and forgetting it ever happened. There we go. No, honestly, like I've been practicing mindfulness every day recently and it's been, it's been pretty good for me.
Speaker 1:Um, because I really have to channel my inner zen. Recently, when I'm at the gym and there's so many fucking people there and I put my earplugs in or headphones, whichever are available or appropriate you know you can't wear headphones in the swimming pool, earplugs instead, so I put in some kind of deafening material into my ear orifices, my external mi-e-ti, and I block out everything that I possibly can. So, but I'm also trying to mentally do that as well. You know, be like okay, dawn, I know there's like 20 people in the sauna, but breathe and you're gonna be okay with it and you're just gonna pretend like you they're not talking, like they're in a fucking pub brawl. Like honestly, why do people go into the sauna and have a fucking the loudest conversation, like it's not a big room? Stop talking, please, stop shouting, like if this gets to one person, like whisper in the sauna. I'm trying to relax, whisper. No fucking talking, please.
Speaker 1:So yeah, that's me being zen, noting the feeling of anger and letting it go. Just let it. Just, you know, realise that it will pass eventually and we need to work on our own self-worth. You know, you may think that having a man tell you that you're fucking fit might make you feel good, but it doesn't. Who knew? I didn't. I thought it would make me feel good, it didn't? It kind of felt sleazy and gross. So there we go. But look, if you've got any, you've probably had some experience with it, with this. I'm not the only female who has experienced this, let me put it that way. So if you've, maybe even man, actually if you're a man or male or female or whatever, anything in between or outside of that, then and you've experienced some kind of objectification or or do you know what, even just days where you feel ugly and like what do you do?
Speaker 1:I think self-care is like the best way to feel worthy to yourself, again, like I don't know. Give me some other options. How can I fucking fix my self? Please comment down below. Or I don't really know how to do it if you're just listening on the podcast, but that's how to do it if you're listening on, watching on YouTube. So, anyway, guys, I think that's it. This has been dawn me, dr Dawn, I don't know if you knew that. I didn't say um, it's been backseat positivity. I have been dawn again. Stop saying my name. Uh, monday and Thursdays. I upload every Monday and Thursdays and if you like to give it a like comment, like I said down below, um, if you're just listening on the podcast, then please give it a five star review. That would be super, super helpful and amazing and I love you forever. And then, I know, share it with someone, whatever you want to do, and I give you a kiss goodbye. Thanks for watching.
