Backseat Positivity
"Able to make serious topics lighthearted and fun - I even laughed at some points!"
Get your bi-weekly dose of positivity in this fun podcast with Dr Dawn Barlow, who helps you navigate all of the weird/best/worst parts of life!
Dawn takes you on the self-improvement journey you didn't realise you needed... Bought to you by a doctor who hasn't had life as sweet as many of her comrades. She knows firsthand just how rubbish life can be, yet has managed to turn her life around for the better!
From relationships to mental health to happiness, make sure you buckle up twice a week (Mondays and Thursdays) the join her and her guests for candid self-improvement. Don't forget of the course, the "weird thoughts" segment, where Dawn and her guests share weird thoughts from their lives.
Dawn says:
Sometimes life reminds me of being in a washing machine. It's a bit spinny and turbulent for a while, but then it stops and gives you a little break before spinning you into oblivion once more. It feels like the washing machine wants to wash something bad out of all of us... positivity.
Some might EVEN say that positivity is shouting from the backseat and no-one wants to listen to it... [backseat positivity] More than once a week, but less than 4 times a week, you can shove me in your auditory canals and listen to me chat about L.I.F.E., self-improvement, mental health and anything else that my little monkey-mind paws can grasp onto.
Sometimes other humans actually dare to join me.
It's candid, it's fun. Woo!
Backseat Positivity
Behind the Scenes of YouTube Stardom
Can the road to YouTube stardom really be as glamorous as it seems? We take you behind the scenes of the less-glamorous side of content creation, sharing the unexpected hurdles that derailed our upload schedule—from a laptop mishap to the comforting yet distracting company of our dogs and binge sessions of Friends. This candid look provides an amusing account of balancing a chocolate addiction with a weight loss journey, all while navigating the unpredictable terrain of video editing disasters.
We unpack the myth of effortlessly gaining millions of subscribers and draw parallels to chasing the American dream. Inspired by a friend's moderate success, our YouTube adventure began with high hopes but soon collided with the harsh realities of criticism and identity struggle. The lockdown became a pivotal moment, easing our self-consciousness in front of the camera and igniting a renewed creative spark. Our experience as a doctor who prefers to steer clear of medical discussions online adds another layer to the identity challenge.
Explore the tightrope walk of harmonizing YouTube ambitions with professional responsibilities and personal passions. Reflecting on Sam Sulek's rise and the impact of social comparisons, we reveal the exhaustion behind the scenes while juggling a demanding day job, podcasting, and newfound equestrian pursuits. Experience our frustrations with finding the right editor to align with our humor and style, a quest temporarily stalled by technical setbacks. But hope isn't lost; with a repaired laptop and a supportive audience, we're ready to reclaim our creative space and share the reality of this unique journey weekly.
Please consider helping me out, I'd seriously super appreciate it! <3
https://www.patreon.com/diariesofadoctor
Turns out, I haven't uploaded to TikTok in two months. I didn't realise, but my laptop has been broken for so long that I just haven't been on it. Anyway. So two days ago somebody commented evilcupcakes01,. I read your comment. I actually replied, because I'm a nice person like that, and said why don't you upload videos to YouTube anymore? Now I couldn't tell if that person was on about my podcast that is still going on YouTube or my main channel. I had a feeling it might be my main channel. So I thought you know what.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna answer that question, because YouTube is not all it's cracked up to be. Everyone thinks it's like this glamorous lifestyle and it's like rainbows, me, rainbows and unicorns and cupcakes or evil cupcakes. Wink, oh god. Sometimes I make myself cringe, but the moments just happen and then I'm like I can't take that back. Well, I can, because it's recorded and I could just cut it out, but I'm not that kind of person. Number one too much effort. Number two keeping it raw, raw, dogging it, as the Americans would say. That is a phrase that I learned whilst travelling Raw dogging it, Google it. So I wanted to go into the dark side of YouTube, because it's not just that my laptop's been broken because actually it's fully working. Broken because actually it's fully working. I'm uploading stuff on my laptop but I have to have it plugged into a monitor.
Speaker 1:Now I don't really love coming into this room. I must admit that is part of it, mainly because number one it's cold. Number two I like sitting with my dogs. They can't come up here, so I tend to just sit downstairs with them. Number three I like watching friends and procrastinating. Actually, that's probably two, but we'll put it as one I like watching friends and I like procrastinating. I can't do that up here. I can, but it's much less easy. Number five or four whatever I was on, I don't love sitting in that seat. There's just lots of reasons why I don't love coming up here. There's a lot of friction, mainly the stairs and the door which is open, and I can physically climb stairs. So really I have no excuse, except my brain doesn't want me to.
Speaker 1:So then, once you've made it past the absolute monstrosity of obstacles to get into this room, then I have to put the mental effort into actually editing. Now I edited. I've got one video that has been edited. I haven't uploaded it because I'm just not entirely happy with it. Number two I've got loads of content like ready to be made, but I just can't bring myself around to editing it. Number three I had a video edited. Then my computer got wiped and I lost the whole edit. It was pretty much done. So I'm like pretty upset about it, but I've grieved it and I've gotten over it. I'm just going to have to edit it again and tell you what. It will be better this time, because I will want to put significantly less effort into it. So I will just I will. You know it's going to be bare bones.
Speaker 1:It was basically a talking head video about, oh, my back, um, about my weight loss journey over the past year. Now I think I've put on weight. I was like looking at myself in my last podcast video because I was editing it, and I was like, oh, do you know what would answer? This question Is, if I weighed myself, guess what? I haven't done it, because then I saw a video of myself before and I was like I look thinner there and now I look bigger. So I'm not really sure. But whatever, you know swings and roundabouts, peaks and troughs it's not a linear situation. I was doing quite well, but I have I just I can't stop myself from eating chocolate. I really can't. I wish I could. It's really my downfall and I'm kind of scared I'll get diabetes. But I need to sort that out.
Speaker 1:Okay, so let's get into why YouTube ain't for the faint hearted. I've got a lot of reasons here and I'm going to try and figure out how you know. I want to answer. I want to give the honest, the honest truth, the real, you know whole story of what's happened here, because it's not just like oh, my laptop broke and that's the end of it. I can only put 150 characters on a TikTok comment, so I thought I'd just answer it in a podcast. People want to know clearly, or at least one person wants to know. So that is enough for me.
Speaker 1:So I think everybody at the moment is living this YouTube content creator dream. It's kind of like the American dream, except only like 0.001% of people are living it and actually the rest of the people, 99.999 people, are just living. Averagely, that is the same on youtube. I would say most people on the youtube sphere have not that many subscribers. I think, you know, having over like a thousand subscribers is actually quite a lot like it's. I would, I think. Do you know, I've heard a quote or something that maybe this is for podcasts. Anyway, there's a lot of channels out there that don't have over a thousand subscribers, which is, uh, not currently the amount that you need to monetize your channel, but it used to be a thousand, now it's 500 apparently. So there. So actually having millions of subscribers is actually like quite hard. I think people see it as the norm now to have like a million subs and it's actually not like it's actually very hard to get.
Speaker 1:And I think some of the thing is people say, oh, some of it's luck, is it probably some of it is luck? I think I've kind of come up with a bit of a concoction of what I think is successful on YouTube, and I just don't know that. I have it for various reasons, but let's first talk about because I'm going to talk about, um, one of one of the people who I compare myself to a lot, and I kind of don't like comparing myself to them, but I think they've got a lot of things that I don't. However, then I listened to their podcast and they're not even happy, especially with YouTube. So it's like you're striving for something that people aren't even happy with when they get there for many reasons. Again, let's talk about why I got into YouTube in the first place.
Speaker 1:So, firstly, I always wanted to kind of like I'm quite a creative person. This sounds like a fucking job interview. I'm a very creative person and I like people. So, oh, I like science and I'm really good at talking to people, so you should. I like science and I'm really good at talking to people, so you should definitely like take me to medical school, thanks. So I it's such a generic answer I'm creative and I think I just like performing. I like I love talking to people. I'm like a very generally talkative person and I like performing.
Speaker 1:So I think the podcast I'm really vibing at the moment I would love it if I had a someone to talk to except just me, but that is a lot of effort and people would probably come on my podcast. But in reality, I just don't currently have the time or energy to be putting in the groundwork to be like hunting people. I would want them to be coming to me. Sorry, I know it sounds lazy and maybe that's part of it. Maybe I'm I'm not lazy. I just I need to realistically focus my time on earning actual money, otherwise I will be homeless. So that's, that's the reality of the situation. I had work a lot. I also watch a lot of friends, but I do also work a lot. So, you know, because gal's gotta earn that dollar and also I wouldn't be able to afford all the extremely luxurious things that I do, like go traveling and have a horse. So, pardon me, so I got into it because someone was like someone I know I won't.
Speaker 1:I don't want to like say specifically someone I know has a YouTube channel. I know a few people who have had a YouTube channel, but like no one that's like super successful. Now, this person was medium successful, I would say, and in the like tens of thousands of subs. And that person kind of encouraged me to start a YouTube channel because I was like, oh, I've always thought about doing it, but like it always just felt a bit cringy, like a little bit like why would I put myself out there? Like it's a lot of criticism, blah, blah, blah. Also, as a doctor, it was always super difficult to like be yourself, because you're always kind of train to be a doctor, not to be a human. I found I always called myself. If you listen to some of my old podcasts. Um, you'll probably notice I was I.
Speaker 1:My speech was like much less free-flowing. I was always worried about what I was saying. Some of that was because I was talking about medical stuff, and what I've realised is I don't want to talk about medical stuff because it makes me too uptight to publicise that online for various reasons. So I avoid it because I'm shit at talking about it, because it's kind of like this weird secretive thing that we're not really allowed to talk about. So I quite openly talk about stuff to my friends and my family and people that I know, but maybe not online. Not, online is not the vibe. So, anyway, I started creating content as, like lockdown happened, but I think a lot of people did that. It was, yeah, we had a lot of time, we were stuck inside and I was also like on the verge of doing it and then I thought you know what, now I've got the time and I'll just sit down and give it a go.
Speaker 1:I remember doing my first video. Oh my god, it was so awkward. I literally dressed myself up and I was like sitting on the sofa, like trying to get the angle right and I just kept taking loads of takes and I would like not have anybody listen to me talking, because I was like, oh my god, this is so cringy. And then, trying to edit it, I was like listening to my voice and I was like so gross, because starting to listen to your own voice and watch yourself on camera is like the weirdest thing to start doing. Then, once you've done it for a bit, you're like, well, whatever, I look hot or not, or I look disgusting look how I was actually looking at one of my videos and I was like, oh my god, look at that spot that I've got on my face.
Speaker 1:That was after Christmas, when I ate a lot of chocolate and that's that gave me a spot. Like here I've still got a spot. It's the chocolate. I'm telling you I'm eating too much chocolate at the moment. I need to stop. It's an addiction. There we go. So I started and I tell you what. It is not the hit sensation that you really think it is, and I think some of that was because I wasn't very good at it. I had to learn how to do it and I'm sort of there and it's taken like five years, but I'm also, you know, I wasn't very good on camera. I wasn't very like free flowing. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. I was like, well, I'll just do everything that I like. And that was a bit, you know, it was just all over the place.
Speaker 1:And also, I am not the kind of person who, like, sticks to trends very well. So, number one I don't really follow fashion trends. That, I think, is you know, I'm just like I'm happy to just exist in jogging bottoms, which is what I'm in right now, and I go for comfort over style. I think that that definitely affects it. Number two I don't I like I wouldn't say I'm not attractive, but I'm not like fucking model stunner and I definitely think that helps. I think being attractive and being fashionable online for sure helps. Like people want to look at attractive people. That's just human nature. So you know, I'm probably average. So there we go. I also don't. You know I'm I'm probably average, so there we go.
Speaker 1:I also don't know if I'm that funny. I don't know if my personality just I don't know if it's that extreme people with extreme personalities and with big egos and just like extreme in one way or the other, like either just doing something really abnormal or they've got a really extreme personality that like does really well on on me in media either really attractive or, like, really extreme. So it's, it's, it's this like horrible thing where you want to be yourself but you're like am is myself as a personality, am I like good enough? Am I attractive enough? And you're like constantly doubting yourself.
Speaker 1:I never really cared that much about my attractiveness. It was mainly about my personality, because I was like am I funny enough? Am I outgoing enough? Do people want to watch me? Do people want to listen to what I have to say? Do I know enough? And it's like, well, does it really matter that you know enough if there's like 16 year olds who are going viral on the internet? Not really, but and then it is like, well, how much of it is luck and algorithm and how much of it is how much you know about the online media world, like if you completely suffocate yourself with YouTube and like online media and you know what works and you know what headlines grab and you know, like what aesthetics work, you can like go pretty far, pretty well.
Speaker 1:But I always wanted to be myself and I always really struggled with like, well, I could follow the trend and like do what everyone else is doing. But that doesn't make me creatively different, and that is something that YouTube doesn't actually like it. It doesn't care about your creative differences like. It very much wants views and money, and the thing that gets views and money is easy content which people will like, masses of people will watch. So I just really, really struggled with like a lot of questions of what's the point. What's the point like why am I doing this? And what's the point because, yeah, I just I don't you don't need to paraphrase it, dawn, I think they got it.
Speaker 1:So I went through a very excessive period where I stopped working for a bit and I was uploading every day, and I don't think my videos were that good because I was uploading every day. But then I got into this like okay, so let's make the videos. I'll put like I like I'll do less videos but I'll put like more time and energy into them. And then they did well, like relatively well. When I say relatively, I mean like tens of thousands rather than tens of views. So, yeah, that obviously encourages you.
Speaker 1:But then you start going right, well, I can't just create any old content. I can't just create any old content. I have to create content that's like up here that's like really high level and good and otherwise no one will watch it. So then you start like overanalyzing and overthinking and being like, well, I can't just keep creating content, like it has to be good and it has to have like 30 hours of work put into one video. And so then you stop creating because you get into this like vicious cycle of, well, I don't know if I want to put it out if it's not going to do as well as the last one. I don't know if I want to put it out if I haven't put as much work into it as the last one. And I don't know if I want to put it out if people aren't going to like it. And in some ways that's how the statistics and the money and everything like really fucks with your brain.
Speaker 1:If it was like if you were just the creative writer on a sitcom, not just just the creative writer, then you would feel less, maybe personally affected, because you could be like oh well, maybe this wasn't so good or you know, we'll do better next time, and there's like a big production, whereas when it's just you, you're like everything is my responsibility and you really have to put a lot of effort in guys. It's not just like everyone's like, oh, you could just like turn on the camera and blah, blah, blah. I know people, some people have done that. But I'm telling you there's more to it than that. It looks, probably looks like they've done. They've just turned on the camera, walked on and just like started talking or doing whatever. I'm telling you that's not the case. I bet you they've either either done a script or they've you know the lighting's got to be sorted out or they've um, there is more to it than that, I'm telling you. I'm telling you, or they've like planned it in some way, that it's not just flick a switch and go. You have to like at least set something up and then.
Speaker 1:So what I'm thinking about in particular is Sam Sulek. I don't really know what the deal is, okay. So I watched one of his videos. He's got like three million subscribers. Everyone's like, oh my god, he's so raw. He's like a bodybuilder or whatever. He's so raw.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you, number one, it's because he is extreme. He is, I think, on drugs, on steroids. I don't know. I don't want to shit all over him if that's not true, but I'm pretty sure, like I've heard either that or that. You know he looks, he's big. So number one he's extreme in that way. He's like physically extreme. Now, his personality is not extreme, he's like I'm sorry but I wouldn't say he's that attractive. But men are his biggest target audience and men like to be big as a general rule, especially the ones that are watching his content. So if he is big, then bigger than other people, then they are going to like look up to him.
Speaker 1:The next thing is number two he's quite confident on camera. He can talk and talk, and talk and it doesn't really seem and he's like in a gym and it doesn't really seem like he's bothered by the people around him. I don't really understand it because there's no music in the background. So I'm like what's happening here? Number three he comes off as kind of knowledgeable about what he's talking about. Now, I don't know that he is that knowledgeable. He just sounds like he knows what he's talking about. Again, I don't know. But you know, he's not got like a degree. As far as I'm aware, he's not got, um, a qualification, not that that's maybe necessarily what's needed and that we are in like a over qualification world. But you know, as a doctor I've trained for like almost my whole life. And then he's like 21 or something or 20 and I I'm just like he's like a student or something, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I might be shitting all over this guy and he's like a fucking PhD and like what are those people called that just know everything? Those people I forgot what they're called Prodigy. He's like maybe he's a child prodigy and like understanding human biology and muscle gain, and I know literally nothing about what I'm talking about. But I'm just like I always think like what is special about this person? And that is the problem is, then I compare myself to them and I go, if you know, are they really? And I'm not just talking about Sam here I'm like, are they really that special? Like, what is so special about them? And a lot of the time I can't figure it out, when some of them are just like normal people. I'm like what is happening here and I really try and figure it out and I think for Sam it's that he's big, uh, and he's confident and I think people like that, and but then I'm like there are lots of people who are big and confident but haven't like got that traction. So I'm like what else is it? Is it like partly the algorithm? Did the algorithm like them? Is it that they've not seen that kind of content before?
Speaker 1:And I'm like constantly in my head about other people and like I've stopped watching YouTube because I can't mentally cope. I'm so pathetic. I can't mentally cope with the fact that I constantly compare myself to these people and I'm like they aren't doing anything significantly different to what I'm doing. What like? So anyway, I don't want to keep like bashing other people because I don't want that to be what this is and I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't like you keep bashing other people because I don't want that to be what this is and I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't like being hugely bitchy because it makes me uncomfortable, but actually the bitching doesn't make me uncomfortable, it's actually the aftermath of it. People come back at you and I just don't like that. I don't like the confrontation, to be quite honest. So that is definitely the biggest thing. And if I could get over that and tell you what stop watching YouTube. Stopping watching YouTube has definitely helped a lot.
Speaker 1:But there's another thing. I don't make much money off of my current minimal YouTube input. I make no money off my podcast whatsoever. In fact, I spend money on it, but it's like I actually enjoy podcasting, so it's not too much of a big deal for me. And you know, maybe one day I'll make money, but right now it's not and that is a challenge.
Speaker 1:Therefore, if I need money, you know, to live and to not be homeless currently a challenge in Bristol, let me tell you, and the UK so if I want money to not be homeless, then I do have to go to my actual job, and my actual job takes time. Time is limited. My actual job as a doctor exhausts me sometimes. It's exhausting. Number one it takes time. Number two it's exhausting. So by the time I've combined those two things, I'm like do I really want to come and sit up here and edit a video? Then also, I just bought a horse. I love spending time with her. She's fucking cute. So that takes up a lot of time. So then I'm just eroding all of my time and then by the time I've done my podcast and edited it and got all the shorts from it and etc. Etc.
Speaker 1:Now I have a lot of AI to help me with that, thank the lord, otherwise I'd be here all day, literally it would. It would be impossible to create the amount of content that I do. So, um, yeah, it just helps me create clips and stuff. Like it doesn't really, you know, like, tell me what to do otherwise, if you get what I mean, it just just helps me edit the videos, basically. So time is definitely a big factor. Now, if I was earning money from it, then it starts to become a job and it's like well, do I want this to be my job, because the other, not the other day, like literally months ago, I got given a yoga mat for, like, I guess, a brand deal, just in exchange for, like, I did a podcast about it, about other yoga products as well, but I do actually really love this mat.
Speaker 1:Now the issue is I don't a lot of money comes from brand deals, but I also am not sure how comfortable I feel with that, because I don't like lying and if I don't like love, you know, I want to give an honest opinion about, let's say, this yoga mat. There are, there might be issues with it or another product that I've gotten, but, like, if you're getting paid a lot of money to promote that product, you really struggle to be honest about it and you can tell the people who have been paid for to promote that product. You really struggle to be honest about it and you can tell the people who have been paid for to promote that product because you can tell they feel like semi awkward about it and they're like a little bit like I'd need to be fully on board. Like they gave me one for free, like that's not so bad, they didn't pay me. When somebody pays you, you're a bit like oh God, can I really shit all over them? Not all over them, but can I really be fully honest?
Speaker 1:So the brand deal pressure is also something that I'm like. Will I be able to cope if this does become my full-time thing, with that being a significant source of income? I don't know. So do you still think YouTube is the way to go, especially for you? I don't know. Some people might just be lucky and you know, hit it off and I tell you what that's not the be all, end all, because then you start getting negative comments and then you start getting people hating on you because you've got money and people starting to. You know you just start getting haters and that's going to affect you because you're a human being and that's like a normal response Because you want to be liked, because you are a human, and that is like literally how your brain works. Great, my boyfriend's just started gaming and he's started cackling. That is annoying Calm. He's started cackling, that is, um, annoying calm. So I will keep uploading to YouTube.
Speaker 1:I put my, I put very little pressure on myself to do it now. Before I used to be like, oh my god, stressing out, once a week must upload once a week. I don't really want that pressure and I wish I had an editor that I could just send the clips to, because the hardest part for me is editing it. I like writing it, I like filming it. I don't like editing it because it's so fucking time consuming. Therefore, people charge a lot of money for it. Therefore, the people who don't charge a lot of money for it I don't think are that good.
Speaker 1:So then you end up needing to revise it a lot, and it's, it's almost. It gets to the point of being like well, I may as well have just done it myself, to revise it a lot, and it's, it's almost it gets to the point of being like, well, I may as well have just done it myself, because you're never going to do it to the standard that I want it to be done. So there we go. Unless I spend hundreds of pounds on a video, even then I don't think they'll they'll do it as I want it done, because no one's got my sense of humor and no one can take the piss out of me like I can. I did have one editor that was quite good, for he um had like he was like studying or something, so that was the end of that. Maybe he just hated me, but anyway, once my computer's fixed which it will be, because my insurance company have just said that they're going to pay for the screen. Woohoo, so that's £800 that I thankfully don't have to pay Once that's fixed, I will be back in the game.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you I'm going to edit that video and then I'm going to upload it, because it's basically edited and I just need to sort my life out. Anyway, I hope that's been somewhat insightful. I need to go because the camera's going to run out and if you liked it, give it a like, subscribe, share. And you liked it, give it a like, subscribe, share and, you know, boost my ego. I'll see you in the next episode. I upload every week.
