Back In The Saddle, Barely

The mic is clipped to my coffee table, I’m under two blankets, and I’m finally ready to tell you where I’ve been: knee‑deep in mud, hay, and a kind of happiness that also leaves you wrecked. Over the last year I brought an ex‑racehorse into my life, then made the wildly optimistic choice to add a second. The podcast didn’t fade because I ran out of ideas—it paused because caring for 600‑kilo flight animals takes time, muscle, money, and a surprising amount of mental bandwidth.

I walk you through what retraining a thoroughbred actually looks like, including the messy middle: building new cues, rebuilding my own riding muscles after a long gap, and making peace with risk. I share the falls, the shoulder that met a wall, the back that maybe should have been scanned, and the clinical calculus I make as a doctor who also loves a dangerous sport. We talk invisible labour—from farrier schedules and dental checks to feed plans and endless driving—and why I could organise vet visits before I remembered to pack my own lunch.

You’ll hear a full day at the yard: lessons, mucking out, riding two horses, a gale that turned the yard into chaos, and the inevitable crash into the sofa for a Hannah Montana binge. Underneath the stories is a theme that matters beyond horses: burnout isn’t just about work. Passion can drain as well as give, especially when water bottles, snacks, and sleep fall off the list. I’ve started building systems, accepting help, and redefining self‑care as practical fuel, not perfection.

I’m also launching a six‑part mini series on horses and health—nervous system lessons from the saddle, injury risk and reality, caretaker fatigue, movement that doesn’t feel like exercise, and what these animals give back. If you’ve ever loved something that quietly exhausted you, you’ll feel seen. Press play, ride along, and if this episode resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs permission to lower the bar, and leave a quick review to help others find us.

Transcript

Nostalgia And A Quiet Return

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm pretty sure we just went back to 2005 because I just sat and ate a lunchable and binge watched Hannah Montana. I don't know what's wrong with me. You got the limo out front. Huh. Um, that's actually pretty good. Look, guys, I didn't stop podcasting because I ran out of ideas. I stopped because I literally just ran out of time, capacity, physical, mental ability. Like, and that's what I'm gonna get into in this episode today, because I kind of have been dying the past year. Like dying in a happy way. Don't get me wrong. Uh, but we're gonna get into it, okay? The podcast went quiet. I don't even know when the last time I posted was. It must have been at least a year ago because I got my first horse, yes, first. We'll get into that. I got my first horse in November 2024. Wait there. What year are we on now? Yeah, 2024. Yeah, 2024. So it must have been before then, because I don't think I've podcast since I've had my horse. Um, so things didn't go wrong with the podcast, like it's still been ticking along in the background, you know, making no money, but I have just been so preoccupied, like incredibly preoccupied. I imagine this is what it's like when you have children, like your whole time, energy, focus goes into them. Except my child weighs 600 kilos and is scared of a plastic bag. So I don't know what what what have I done? Um so yeah, life didn't get worse. In fact, I'm quite enjoying life. It's just gotten really, really full. So I have been putting off podcasting for ages. Like, you know, when you keep thinking about doing something and then and then you just don't do it. That's pretty much what's been happening. I've been going, Dawn, you need to sit down and podcast, and then I look in the podcasting room and like nothing's in the right place. Like the what's it called? The desk. In fact, no, I used to stand up podcasting, but like everything's just it's in the wrong place, and I just it's so much effort to get it out. By the time I get home from doing the horses, like I am dead no energy, and I'm gonna tell you why today. I'm gonna tell you what what my daily routine looks like. Um, it's a big change for me. I'm not gonna lie. I did used to make a lot of content, sit around and like you know, constantly um on my laptop, and now I am constantly on my feet covered in shit and cold, like really cold a lot of the time. So um, yeah, this this is like this is just about what the tension in life means for our health. So I'm gonna paint the picture. What does like daily life look like? So when I say first horse, guys, in November 2024, I got my first not first horse, I've had horses since I was a child. Um, we've got this thing in the UK called Pony Club, and you basically um have a pony and you go to these like uh less like group lessons and you've got like camps and it's all super fun and you get to learn how to look after your pony, and it's like you're all running around like screaming and having a great time with your friends, so it's pretty fucking dreamy, I'm not gonna lie. So I had a pony when I was younger and uh grew up around horses like forever, and then I got my first pony when I was 10. So I've been riding for a while, and then obviously I went to uni. Now you can't really go to medical school. Well, you can if you've got lots of money, you can't really go to medical school and have a horse unless you've got lots of money because you need somebody to look after the horse. Like you could go and ride it, but like you ain't getting up twice well unless you've got like infinite amounts of um energy, which I don't. So um oh by the way, I realised I actually forgot to set the scene of what's going on right now because you know I was saying I was looking in my podcasting room like CBA to move everything. What I did was basically I moved the um I moved the microphone downstairs. It's currently attached to my coffee table, and I'm just lying on the sofa and I'm podcasting because this is like the only way I could get myself to do it is to just be as comfortable as possible. I didn't want to have set up the cameras, I get really hot in front of the cameras, and I also haven't brushed my hair in like three days, and um I've got this mark on my head that I need to go see the GP for, so like not that I care, but like I just I genuinely couldn't be bothered. Like if it was set up, like maybe that's a strong maybe, but like then I would have to like move. I'm honestly so tired, I just can't. So I'm currently just lying on my sofa. Um, there is absolutely no tension in my body whatsoever. Uh I'm not even holding my head up, I'm not even holding anything up, just everything is just flop on the sofa, and it's great. Now, I don't know if you're gonna be able to hear the cars outside and the clock ticking, um, but there's you know, we've got a lot of soft furnishings in the front room, so hopefully that'll absorb some of it. And you know, we got AI nowadays, so basically, you know, AI takes out all the background noise. Um, and I am uh covered in two blankets and a dressing gown. Um the first blanket is a heated blanket because it's January and I'm fucking cold, alright? So I knit what I was doing was I was like sitting on my phone on Facebook, boo. I'm not a TikToker, I'm a Facebooker, okay? I I just I can't stop myself. I've put a time limit on for an hour, and then quite often, more often than not, I click uh ignore limit for today and I just carry on scrolling through it. Now I'd like to think that it's somewhat educational, you know. I read I have quite a lot of long posts that I read, and then I go in the comments and I see all the bitching, and all of it's horse related, of course. So um can't even remember what I was talking about, but yeah, there we go. Okay, let's go back to what I was actually talking about. Um my daily routine, oh yeah, so November 2024, I got my first horse, and then um I realize so she is she was five when I got her. She's obviously now six. Wait, was she five or six when I got her? She was five when I got her, now she's six, and she'll be seven in March. Um that's quite young for a horse. Now, or a thoroughbred, so she's an ex-racehorse. Thoroughbred is the breed. Thoroughbred's um racehorses are started very young. So she's had a like a whole life before seeing me. Um, you know, they start at like two or three. Uh so I basically had to untrain her from, you know, being the speedy, like, speedy girl that she is, to like being slow and you know, being in control. Um now ha given that I had a 10-year break in riding, now I I picked it up like intermittently because my mum's had horses that whole time. I picked it up intermittently throughout that time. I would like go ride my old horse, um, but like, you know, what twice a year, like not frequently. And then if I went on holiday, like I um might book like a horse riding thing, but I had like no muscles, like I had no horse riding muscles left because you you can't just do it w twice a year and expect to be like an Olympian, it's not gonna happen. So how did I get back into it? Oh my god. Um well I don't really know, actually. Uh I started like how did it happen? I don't know. I mean my mum's had horses, and then I think I just kept going up to ride hers, and then I was like, oh my god, I need a horse back in my life. Like I forgot how much I love this, and my life's so much more stable now. Um my uh emotions aren't, but my life circumstances are, you know, I've got money, I've got a job, um, and you know, just I've got a car, I've got you know, you've got life sorted a bit when you're 30, haven't you? Uh now 31 actually. Um you'll you've got life a bit more together, and unless you've got your parents like paying for a horse, um you need like a stable job. So um yeah, so I was like, okay, I'll just get a horse. Bam, done. Pretty easy to do, not gonna lie. Um and what I didn't realise was how much work it was gonna take to untrain her from being a racehorse and retrain her to be a riding horse. Like years of work, and I thought, woo, just like I didn't remember it being hard when I was younger. I just remember the good bits, I think. Rose tinted glasses for sure. Like, I just remember getting on and just like charging around everywhere, and so I kind of just thought it would be the same, but like I guess um I didn't have any core muscles, like, and she was obviously in a retraining period, so I fell off quite a few times. I had like quite a few bad falls, like really like should I go to hospital falls? Like, quite bad. Um what did I yeah, I definitely had concussion once. Um, I probably had a hematoma, like uh basically a massive like collection of blood in my bum muscle. Um I had back pain of unknown cause, who knows if I broke it or not, but it you know, didn't really matter. Most of the you know, you don't do anything about a broken back. So I did speak to some of my colleagues. If you don't know, I'm a doctor. I did speak to one of my colleagues and I was like, should I get this like looked at? And we were both like, well, they're not gonna do anything about it, so there's probably no point, even if you've got like a small chip of the bone. So I just left it. And then I did another injury. I can't remember what I did now. Oh my shoulder. Oh my god, I'm seeing the orthopedic team about that. Um, so yeah, it all basically went tits up, and I fell off quite a few times, like quite a few bad falls. So they were never like little, they were like you're gonna smack into a um into a wall at 20 miles an hour, like shoulder first. So they were all yeah, they were a little bit dramatic, very painful, um, and really taught me like okay, you need something a bit steadier. So I was like, okay, I want something I can go out and compete on, and I want something that I um can jump because my horse, while she can jump, she jumps like a race horse, not like a normal horse. Okay, if you don't know what that means, don't worry. Like a race horse just jumps really forwards and fast, but a normal horse jumps up, and she like I needed a horse that would like wasn't gonna fly into the wall every time she was jumping. Um so I went and got a second one, which was pretty wild. Um I've intermittently regretted it. I love him, don't get me wrong. Um, but you know, financially, time-wise, they're both like it is a big burden. Um I say burden like a little bit reluctantly because I don't want it to sound like I'm ungrateful or like I don't love it. I do, but it's it is hard work and it's a lot of responsibility. Um like f a lot. Like I'm sh you know, unless you've got loads and loads and loads of money and you can just pay for somebody to look after them. I like looking after them, but it is a lot of time. So um yeah, there's a lot of so my daily routine today, so this this was uh I would say on the busier end of of the um of the spectrum. Basically, I get up there for like 9 30. I was a little bit late today though, oops, uh 9.40 I got there. I had a lesson at 10 till 11, then I had an hour break and I did like loads of jobs. Now I had three horses today because I was helping somebody out um because she was sick, so I wouldn't usually have three, but um in fact having two, even though I've got two, I actually have two sharers, like one sharer for each of them. So I kind of have one horse, but like half two half horses. Um anyway, I had three today, uh, which is quite a challenge, especially to ride both of them. And um, so I went up and then I rode for an hour, and then I had an hour break, but then obviously I had to do like jobs, so like mucking out, feeding, um, had to muck out three stables, um, and then I only did two in that time. Um, and then I had to ride my second horse, and then I had a lesson on her, which was 45 minutes long. I only rode for 30 of it though, because the instructor rode for the first 15, just to figure the horsey out. And then um, then I went and mucked out the third stable, and then we had like a torrential, and I mean like torrential, like moo, you know, like movie level torrential rain, where it's like literally like sideways rain. I was in my um girl horse's stable, and she's like not got an overhang over the door, so it's just like straight up like to the elements, and she's got a little window as well, and it was literally coming in sideways through there, and I was like, I've left my coat in the other barn, so I can't like I'm completely unwaterproof here, so I'm gonna I just hid in there, but then everything was flying across the yard, so the horses were going crazy, and my horse, Winnie, her name is, was going like mildly insane, like not loads, just like a little bit agitated, and then the horse next to her was like, ooh, because like everything was flying across the yard. Everyone started running, and horses just like read energy, they're like drama queens, they like read, they're like, Oh my god, people are running, ah, there's stuff running, ah so um, and I had the wheelbarrow in there with me, and I was like, Oh my god, if she loses her shit, I'm definitely gonna get squashed anyway. She didn't, thankfully. So uh waited for the torrential downpour to stop, about 15 minutes of pure mayhem. Like, I I can't even explain how horizontal this rain was. Like, it was so and it was so windy as well. Like, it was literally like gale force winds and rain, and then bam, done, a rainbow, and that was it. So then I went and mut out the third one, and then I had to go to the feed store. I do this like once every two weeks or so, spend an awful amount of money because horses eat an enormous amount of food, like constantly. I mean, they eat like 2 hours a day or something crazy like that, 22 or 23 hours a day, they're just constantly eating. Um, so I have to go and get them feed from the feed store and bedding as well, because they shit a lot and pee, and yeah, anyway. Um by this point, what happens is I forget to take food with me, and then I just like die. Like I I just kind of physically stop like functioning. I ha I've I've worked out twice basically. I mean I've mucked out, that's like a workout. I've ridden two horses, um, I've been to the shop. Um I actually did get some food on the way back from the uh petrol station because I was literally like hanging on for dear life. I do this every day, like regularly forget to take any food with me, and I didn't even eat breakfast. What I did was I brought breakfast in my car, and in between my lessons, I was like, I just I almost just didn't eat again, and I was like, no dawn, you need to eat, and then the instructor came over and I was literally eating a bowl of cereal like next to my car. I was like, I'm really sorry, I need to eat this before we start. Um, so I just can't look after myself. What I do is I have to have this like bottle of water at the yard, otherwise I just don't drink, I don't eat, and then I'm like, oh my god, I'm so cold, and then I get really annoyed, and I'm like, like literally with a piece of poo falls out the wheelbarrow, and I'm like raging about it. I'm like, okay, she needs to eat. There we go. That's how you know if you're raging about like the tiniest thing. Um, so yeah, there's a lot of mental load, there's a lot of physical load. Um, I mean, I've constantly got to like I mean they've got their shoes. Um, these horses are looked after better than me, honestly. I look they I look after them better than I look after myself. They're getting their nails trimmed, basically, their hooves trimmed on Friday. Um it's just all these like schedules, all these like gotta go to the shop, and then by the time, you know, if it's like a 20 to you 25 minute drive, well, that's a like rush hour. 26 minutes drive, it was back. Um, and it was about 15 minutes drive there, 15 to 20 minutes. So, you know, by the time you've done like 45 to 50 minutes of driving, I just don't go home. I go h I literally like I spend from like 9 30 till 4. I was there. I'm just there all day. So I the thing is though, I really enjoy it. Like, I can't lie, I love it. I would spend longer there if I could. Um but There's just a lot of invisible work, you know, a lot of planning, um, organisation. I've actually joined this like pet plan thing now, this horse plan. Um, it's like 30 quid a month, and it basically means I don't have to think about stuff. Like the horses' um teeth are, you know, they tell me when they need their teeth doing. Yes, they have dentists. Um, and there's just an enormous amount of stuff that a horse needs to like exist. I honestly don't know how they exist in the wild, like it really baffles me. Um, so yeah, I think I've gotten a lot better with the worry and the stress of it all. I've got a real like a system set up now. Um, I've got a lot like people that help me, uh, so I don't have to go up there all the time or like twice a day. And you know, I've just got it I've got everything sorted out now. It at the start it was quite stressful because I was like, I didn't know my horses, and you know, just trying to buy all the stuff, like all the stuff that you don't have, and it costs like a fortune, and then everything just you're like constantly trial and error, everything. Like, I don't know whether this is what my horse wants to eat, or are they putting on enough weight? And it's like this constant like jiggling of things to try and get the perfect like feed plan and um hoof trimming regime and dental care, and do you know what I mean? All of that stuff. I think the one of the biggest things is I just can't like just go away spontaneously now. I have to really organise everything unless I want to just pay for care, like I could just do that, but it is r it's super expensive, so I have to be organized um and try and get like all my Dawn's little helpers, you know, organized. Um, you know, for example, I've got like a Hendo, is it this weekend? Yeah, it's this weekend. Um, and to do that, you know, I can't just be like bam going. Um it's like I've got to organise people to look after them. And I feel like this is what it's like with kids, but I guess with kids you just take them with you, but like that is significantly you know a lot of effort. I don't I wouldn't want to take my horse with me. Can you imagine all the food I'd have to take? Oh my god. Uh I guess they can just eat the floor though, can't they? Like they just eat grass, so you know, anyway, vet bills. Um is your horse lame? I would say the biggest thing for me is like this this just I don't look after myself and I can't I like run my this is a constant theme throughout my whole life, so yeah. Um I I need like someone just to look after me. Is that why why does nobody why is that not a thing? Like why is there not someone that can just be my carer? I also I find the idea of carers very strange because it's like um there's like a whole person that needs to look after like a whole person. I I d I feel like this is baffling to me or like not baffling, like I understand the concept, but like a whole one person needs a whole nother person for them to be alive. Um I just I find that not baffling but like quite outstanding. Is that the right word? I don't know. Oh so it's funny because I get home right 4 pm done home. It's not even really a work day, is it? Like not even it's not a 9 to 5, it was a 9.40 to 4 pm and I come home and I literally just watch Hannah Montana. Like I'm kind of I just need something like low-key, low effort, and something that doesn't require a lot of you know brain cells. Um and I just binge watch TV programmes. I don't move, and now I've got this ass problem. One of my um butt cheeks, I've got pain in one of my like butt cheeks. One of my butt cheek no, definitely cheeks, because I've just been sitting here for so long with my legs curled up like up like crow like tucked into my chest. Um and it's like stretching my sciatic nerve. So you know, so sorry. You know you're um sitting and watching too much Hannah Montana when your butt cheeks start to hurt. So I think I'm getting to a point now where I feel like I've got everything sort of in order. It's taken a year or maybe longer, you know, over a year to get things like stable, um, to the point where I don't feel like super um stressed or overwhelmed by um you know making decisions for the horses or whatever. And I thought I'm just gonna take the pressure out of today. I haven't podcasted in a long time. I'm just gonna make it low stress and I'm just gonna do it, okay? So I'm sorry if this is shit, but this is the this is the most I could muster. And I thought, you know what? Nobody watches podcast videos unless it's like multiple people um talking. So I thought we can just leave out the video. Let's just do the actual podcast. Um it's funny because the way I see burnout, and I don't know if I'd call it burnout, but the way I see burnout normally is like from work and I burn out like all the time. Um I just I just can't help myself. I just can't. I push myself too hard and then I crash and burn and burn out. Uh I usually see burnout as like a work thing, um, because I don't really like work that much. Like if I could I would just spend all my time with the horses. Um, but then I guess it's my hobby, so like maybe that's you know, you kind of want to do your hobby like frequently, don't you? And then work's a bit like work. Like, I don't know. I th apparently there are some people in this world that like their job. Um so I basically work so that I can pay for my horses. That's like the only the only reason at the moment. So usually I see burnout as like oh, you know, doing too much work as in as a doctor, but I think I'm just physically burnt out, like I don't do you know what? I don't even think I'm doing that much, but the thing is, I don't look after myself whilst I'm doing it, and that I think is the kicker is I don't drink enough. Like I literally came back and I peed, and it was like uh kind of don't want to say this, but it was like so concentrated that it kind of hurt a bit. Like that's not good, Dawn. Sort it out. So I need to get better at looking after myself. The the ironic thing is I'm I can look after other things far better than I look after myself, but um I enjoy podcasting, so you know be wild, Dawn. I might just leave my microphone down here, and because I've got a few podcasts coming up, um and I'm doing a little mini series, and I thought I'd do a little mini series on horses, so I'm really sorry if you don't give a shit about horses. But I mean I think they're you know, my podcast is like some people you're gonna like some of the episodes and you're not gonna like some of the others. Like, sorry, that's you get that with a TV show, like some of the friends episodes. I'm like, this is shit, um, blasphemy, but um, true, and some of them I really like, like some of them I won't watch multiple times, but some of them I will, so there we go. Um what we're gonna do for episode two. Uh I actually I have plans. Wait there. Wait, it's a six-part mini series, okay? I'm sorry. Um, but it's basically the episode two is like um horses and the nervous system. So um it doesn't just have to be horses though, but like I'm gonna talk about horses in particular. Um, oh my god, episode three is gonna be good. Um injury, risk, um, and reality. Why horse people accept what medicine tries to eliminate? Because you might think, well, that's a bit of a juxtaposition, a bit of a contradiction. Uh a doctor riding horses like 600 kilo flight animal um who can very much damage you, as I've already spoken about. Um caretaker fatigue. Movement that doesn't feel like exercise. Hmm. What horses gave back? They're all very vague uh titles, but we will get there. I'm looking forward to talking about it more, to be honest. Um I'm feeling like I'm feeling so tired. I'm like destined to try and stop myself from napping. It's only 7.45. The problem is I'm having real bad like sleep troubles because of horses, and I I'm I'll talk about that in another one of the other episodes because I don't want to give it all away at once. Um but anyway, that's where I've been for the past year and a bit. I like I said, I think I'm in a better place now, physically, no, not physically, but you know, mentally, where when I first got my horses, like I really struggled to organise the calendar, like I was just constantly like organizing their schedule and it was just exhausting, but now I've I've got it sorted, pretty much. Like I plan a couple of days in advance. Um I had like a really overwhelming calendar situation where they each got their own calendars and like for every for every like bring in out like whoever was looking after them was on the calendar and it was just really it was too much. Now I remember it in my head. Couldn't do that before, it was all just too much. So anyway, um yeah, I don't know. Is this like having children? Is this what having children's like? Like I don't think I could have them, and horses, surely. Um I mean, do you have anything that's like quietly draining you? I'm asking you, the audience, even if you love it, like there are things that drain you physically, mentally, emotionally, but you still love it, right? Um I'm gonna I really need to re-evaluate things, I think. I think what I need to start doing is taking food up there because I love spending all day there, don't get me wrong. Like it's nice, you're outside, yes, it smells like poo, and but like it's a it's a great kind of poo, you know, not the icky kind. Um but I need to start like taking food there and not dying. I don't know how I can come home and have more energy though. Like I wonder if I I just need to be fitter. I don't know. Don't know. Any suggestions please? Anyway, guys, I think I'm gonna go back to binge watching Hannah Montana um till I reach the end and then I'll just watch it all over again. And I really wanted to watch like some of the Mary Kate and Ashley stuff, but turns out that's not on Disney, so that was really sad finding that out. And I'm now gonna treat myself to some pasta because I haven't been shopping. I've been shopping for my horses, I haven't been shopping for myself for like weeks, so I might have to do a little food delivery. Is it just me or like I order from Tesco at the moment, and it's like a hundred pounds. I'm pretty sure they're just selling me all the branded stuff, and I realised this the other day. I'm like, where's all the Tesco Value stuff? Like, why does it not come up on the online thing? And I think they're doing that on purpose, so I'm gonna try and hunt out, I'm gonna try and like I'm gonna try and hunt out the own brand stuff, and I'm gonna try and get that because I don't need Heinz Bait beans, like you know, I might not need the Tesco Valley ones, but just like Tesco Own brand is fine, okay? Anyway, it won't be horses forever, I promise. Um, I've got a few other things coming up, like um, I don't know if you know real superfoods, but like I did a video, I didn't actually publish it, I filmed it, um, and I never published it on my YouTube channel because um I mean I did a whole podcast on my YouTube channel, so you can go listen to that one. YouTube is exhausting. Um FYI, I would say more exhausting than having a horse. Because at least I come home, two horses, at least I come home and they're just like existing. Whereas YouTube like constantly occupies your thoughts. So anyway, um real superfoods. I quite like to do an episode on that. That one's coming up. Uh, I always think of new things, so don't you worry, it won't just be horses forever. Anyway, guys, I'm blabbering on. Um, I'm so glad to speak to you again. And yeah, I I don't know when I'm gonna be uploading. I'm not gonna promise every week right now. I need to just, you know, figure out my shit. Okay, bye then. Have a good life.